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Brad Belt: Music-5pp

Smart Aleck Caddie (comedy)

(Brad Belt)
Smartaleck Caddie

© 1998 Brad Belt

The first time I played Rend Lake—a couple a years ago
Me and my buddies John and Charley decided to give it a go
The pro had given us tee times, 7:00 a.m. sharp
And I remember him saying “Keep an eye out for Garp.”
Just what that pro mean’t soon became clear
While we were warming up, he came out of nowhere.
He made a fast-talkin’ grand pitch and for 10 bucks apiece
He’d ride along and be our caddie and share his expertise.
Now, we are not low shooters as many can attest
But, we got Pings and Callaways to help us do our best
Well we each paid his fee and the lessons soon did start,
Lessons we’d never forget from that round of golf with Garp!

Chorus: He was a smartaleck caddie, that’s all I can say
He made fun of our swings and the way that we played.
He laughed right out loud when our handicaps he found,
But, Garp wasn’t laughin’ at the end of this round.

Since there was only three of us we promptly agreed
That he would be the fourth and ride along with me
When we started playin’, I could he was concerned
So I told him some of the things that the three of us had learned.
But he seemed to take it personally when I began to explain
‘bout mulligans ‘n gimmies and the finer points of our game,
‘bout the value of a foot wedge or an upwind release
we always play it up in the rough and use green fairway tees.
He didn’t seem impressed, quite the opposite instead
As I told him all our secrets, he just shook his head.
He said we were hackers and should consider givin’ up,
That’s the best advice he could give us for a lousy 30 bucks.


It was on the 8th hole, Garp really started in
Said we were the three worst golfers that he had ever seen
He started laughin’ every time we took a swing.
I don’t think he noticed that John was getting’ steamed.
John’s temper finally broke and he started to reel
I guess Garp thought he was safe as long as he stood still!
But John finally connected—right on Garp’s chin.
He went down to the ground and didn’t get back up again!
He was cold as a snake and wearin’ a stupid smile
Not knowing what to do, we just looked at ‘em for awhile.
But, then he started comin’ ‘round a little at a time
So we strapped him on the cart and went on toplay the back nine.
We finished our round without another word from Garp
We unloaded our bags and just left him on the cart.
The pro shook our hands and said, “You’all come back and play,
‘Bout Garp! Well it ain’t the 1st time he’s come back that way